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Do you hear that loud ringing?

mycoupons | 28 February, 2007 11:15

Remember last week I told you the internet was your friend?

I was wrong. The internet is an evil thing.

I am still sick. In fact, I am worse than I was last night. I think that in addition to my cold, the Zicam burned off my nasal hairs and taste buds. I cannot smell or taste anything! I had an apple earlier, and it tasted like a potato. Of course, I am hungrier today than a bear waking up from hibernation. But what's the point in eating if you can't taste? It's like jumping into a hot pool on an August day.

As if the cough, chest congestion, runny nose and fever were not enough, I also have an eye infection. It's quite attractive. I took a nap earlier this evening, and when I woke up, I had the special treat of having to wash my eye with a wet washcloth just to open it. So, I did what every sane person does when they realize they are afflicted with a new malady.

I googled my symptoms.

It would appear by all accounts that I have the third strain of a Lebanese virus. There is no known cure. I am doomed.

Of course, considering that I have self-diagnosed myself with every disease and affliction out there, this new diagnosis is no surprise. My primary care physician may have graduated suma-cum-something from Harvard; but her medical knowledge and access to my personal history is no match for the resources on the web.

Last year, I had a headache for four days in a row. What started out as a tension headache, suddenly turned into spinal meningitis. I stopped short of performing a self spinal tap, but I was tempted. According to the email I get daily, I COULD earn my medical degree in my spare time. Hey! Sara and I can be co-workers!!

When I told my friend, Ginger about my new disease- she laughed me off. Until she called two days later to inquire if spinal meningitis was contagious. She had a headache, and it wouldn't go away. Miraculously, we both were cured.

According to my calculations, in addition to the meningitis, I have had cancer of every possible organ. I have also had pre-menopause, post partum depression, hangnail infections, and roaches living in my ears. My teeth itch, my hair hurts, and my leg throbs when it's going to rain.

Last week, my husband, updating our computers firewall, and no doubt googling his own symptoms, incredulously demanded to know "Why are you looking up EYELID cancer?!?"

I had a bump on my eyelid. There was no way it was anything BUT eyelid cancer.

Basically, I am an internet made hypochondriac.

If not for the internet, I would assume a headache was just a headache. Because of the internet, I now assume a headache is a pre-cursor to imminent brain explosion.

My doctor has stopped telling me things. I saw her a few weeks ago for my annual physical. She ordered some blood work, but instead of giving me the lab form, she said she would fax it to the lab for me. I offered to take it with me, but she refused.

"Oh No! You'll go home and look up every test I ordered. Then you'll wonder why I ordered the test, and assume it's because I see something in your eyes that tells me you have some strange disease. I know you too well, Cici."

Touche.

I have an appointment tomorrow night to go over the results of my labs. I am breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought of what she will tell me. In reality, I am a young woman, in moderately good health. My family history is pretty clean, and my lifestyle, while not perfect, is not horrible either. I should have no reason to worry- but according to Web MD- I have every disease known to man.

I am thinking of putting a net nanny type of software on my computer- to keep me from searching for medical information. Of course, this would hinder my progress in tracking my bird flu symptoms.

My friend, Stacey, a nurse, brushes me off when I tell her all of my problems. She said "You know, Cici, one day, many years from now, I'll be sitting at your funeral. I'm going to turn to the person next to me and say 'She was FINALLY right'."

The Nyquil is kicking into overdrive, and I think my fingertips are numb. Please keep the comments coming- I love them, and they encourage me to do better. And who knows? My boss might let me keep my job.

Until we meet again,

Cici

Cici@MyCoupons.com

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